Mind of The Fifth Year
by Birdie's Trinidad
Summary: Step into the mind of an awkward 15-16 year old Severus Snape as he meets the first year Trinidad. After another fight with Lily over the summer 15 year old Severus isn't excited about losing his crush and facing fifth year alone. I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. Nor am I a professional writer.
1. Chapter 1

September 1, 1975

Well, hello? I'm not too sure what the purpose of a journal, I mean, why write down your thoughts when somebody can find them and use them against you. Since my mother used our limited funds to buy this for me as a gift, I guess I will have to use it. I would hate to upset her when I know she was thinking she was doing something nice for me. Well, it is officially the first day of my fifth year and already I am in over my head. The new band on first years were the same as always but with one expectation.

Her name is Trinidad and she is gorgeous. When she walked up to the sorting hat, a hush fell over the room. Her beauty robbed all the males of their ability to breath and filled all the girls with envy. She sat so picture perfect upon that stool as if it was a throne. She must be a queen of some kind. When the hat called "SLYTHERIN", I'm sure my fellow male housemates and myself swelled with pride. Though, I'm sure the girls started plotting her untimely death at the thought of the new competition. Thank the lucky stars Narcissa is already gone or this angel would not have survived the night.

Yours?

The Half- Blood Prince


	2. Chapter 2

October 31, 1975

Good morning? I know this is only my second entry but there has been so much going on I haven't had time. This being my fifth year and all, I have a lot of work and studying I need to do. To say I am not excited about the upcoming OWLs tests is an understatement. I know I will pass because I'm very intelligent but I doesn't mean I am not nervous about having to take them.

Sometimes I miss having Lily around, she was the perfect study buddy. Quiet and organized, she always knew the best places to start and which topics were bound to be the waste of time. Sadly, I don't think I can ever forgive her for siding with THEM though. Yes, I did mess up but under the circumstances I feel I should've been given a pass. I did try to apologize and everything but, of course, it wasn't enough. I don't think anything in the world would ever been enough to keep her happy, not for long anyways. She always acts as though she is above everything and everybody. The more I think about her, the more I realize that she is better off with Potter and his friends.

There's a ball tonight. I have been staring at Trinidad all day wishing I could ask her out for Halloween. People, as I predicted, have been avoiding her like the plague. The males are too intimidated and the girls all hate he beauty. Oh MY GOD, she's just sat down at my table in the library! Is she really talking to me?

Yours?

The Half-Blood Prince


	3. Chapter 3

November 1, 1975

Well I have to say I am very proud of myself. I managed to not make myself look like an idiot while talking to Trinidad, who I also found her last name is Brown. Trinidad Brown… beautiful. She actually asked me to the Halloween Ball that night and we actually had a great time. Even though, her communicating with me meant open season for all the other males in the world. I heard many people say, and I quote, "If she's willing to talk to THAT, what do I have to lose?" What do they have to lose indeed.

She danced with me all night and I even got to kiss her on the cheek before she went to bed. I know the cheek is a mild way to go but she young so I can't go all out so quick. Right? Bloody hell I wish I had more experience with females. What is she is was expecting more? What if she talked to me because she thinks I have experience? Well, I guess that is what books are for. I have some reading to do before our date next weekend.

Yours?

The Half-Blood Prince


	4. Chapter 4

November 25, 1975

Today is Thanksgiving and I decided to stay at school to study. Sadly, Trinidad wasn't able to stay. She compared her family to that of the Malfoys so I know her family must be high in the social ranking. I still haven't been able to understand why she would've chosen me of all the males around. She said she is always an outcast because of her looks and high intelligence. She wishes she could have many more friends and date more but she doesn't ever see that happening.

She said that is why she came and sat with me. She felt that we were in the same boat because every time she saw me, I was alone. She figured that if I was always alone I probably wanted a friend as bad as she wanted one. I won't complain though, I still got the girl. We have been dating almost a month now and I have no clue what to do. She is my first official girlfriend. My dorm mates are always bragging about the breasts they've seen or the sex they have had… I just sit there. Not that I was invited in the conversations anyways.

Can I hold off on sex until she says she is ready? Will she tell me when she is ready? How the hell am I supposed to know what's going on?

Yours,

The Half-Blood Prince


	5. Chapter 5

Dec. 1, 1975

"I stay in the shadows as she glides through the halls like a weightless angel. She moves in a manner that tells you she owns the world even though she is only 1st year. When she was sorted into my house four months ago, I felt as if the world had stopped revolving. In my five years within the walls of Hogwarts, I have ever seen anybody so beautiful. My past feelings for Evans completely forgotten in the wake of this new angel. Why do I always do this to myself… fall for the girls I don't stand a chance with? She is so pretty and intelligent. She even comes from a well- established pureblood family. She is so far out of my league, our teams are not even playing in the same stadium.

I've seen Black and his little friends staring at her too. She is in my house! Potter is supposed to be relishing in the fact that he stole Evans from me, not staring at my new interest. He destroyed our friendship only to turn his head to the next pretty girl who walks through the door. I wonder if she regrets the side she has chosen. If we had stayed together I won't be starting at this new girl… right?"

That was the crappiest dream I have ever had. Why is it when we sleep, all of our fears play out? You would think that since sleep is so important to the body it would be a very peaceful time. I wish I could go see Trinidad. Maybe I can find a way to go and wake her up to talk. Woooo where did that come from?

Yours,

Half-Blood Prince


	6. Chapter 6

December 25, 1975

Well, today wasn't the best day for me. I sent Trinidad her gift a few days ago but I have yet to hear from her. Maybe I thought too much of our situation. That would be just like me to see something that isn't there. We never did say we were in a relationship, I just started thinking that on my own. For all I know, she already has a boyfriend back home and I'm nothing more than her awkward older friend because nobody else will talk to her.

Potter and his friends were all over the situation. It seems they figured out that I wasn't given a gift in return and think it is hilarious. I feel humiliated. Why does anything ever work out for me? I may not be the best person in the world but it isn't like I go out of my way to get on the wrong side of people. I'm too smart for that. Father is very abusive and I learned at a very early age to not provoke the worst from people.

I decided to jump curfew and come to the astronomy tower to write and be alone. Christmas is almost over and I feel as if a weight is crushing me. I remember the rumors that a kid jumped off the tower a couple weeks ago. I wonder if that is true. I wonder if it was scary. The thought of watching the ground get closer and closer to my face as I fall quickly seems pretty terrifying to me. Though I could also think of the wind swirling around me and through my hair as a very freeing feeling. I wonder if any of their friends think about if they could have helped him. I know nobody would sit around wondering about me… hell, it might even be awhile before they even notice I was missing.

Sometimes I think about suicide and how easy it would be to give up the fight. The constant abuse at home to only come here and be bullied and attacked can be too much sometimes. I think the only reason I haven't so far is the fact that if I do…. THEY win. I can't give them that satisfaction. I don't want to think about them laughing at my grave about how weak and pathetic I was and how the world is better without me. For all my intelligence it gets me nowhere.

Yours,

Severus


	7. Chapter 7

Journal 7

January 9, 1976

Something is wrong. I can't put my finger on it but since Trinidad returned from the break she has been different. She no longer smiles or jokes. Just sadness. I've tried to talk to her about it but she only says that everything is fine. I wish I had somebody that I could ask about it but of course I have no other friends. Lily really would've come in handy right now.

I plan to go and find her and force her to tell me. On a happier not, today is my birthday and she gave me a bracelet. Honesty, I'm not one for jewelry but this bracelet is special. It allows us to be able to communicate over long distances. I really liked this gift… it means I'm important to her too. I've just been staring it all night. For the first time in a long time I feel as if there is something positive in my future.

Yours,

Sev


	8. Chapter 8

July 2, 1976

Journal,

I spent every day since my birthday with my Trinidad. We had sex, we went on the trip to Paris, met each other's families…. I think they were relieved we actually managed to find dates, and went on many dates. I have been so happy. That's why I haven't been writing… life has been moving too fast, but in a good way. Now… the world has stopped. Trinidad and her family was attacked by the Dark Lord when her father refused to join the Death Eaters. None of them made it. My Trinidad is gone.

I feel as though I can't breathe. She is… was… everything to me and now I am all alone again. I can't even cry about it because my mind refuses to understand that she isn't coming back. Most of the time I stare at my bracelet trying to open the connection. I hope against hope that one of these times the connection will open and I will find out this was just a bad joke… a nightmare. The rational part of my mind and heart knows this isn't going to happen… but that doesn't stop me.

What am I going to do now? I went from being all alone, to having somebody to love me, to being all alone again. When we were in Paris, I bought the ring she was in love with. I was saving it for a special occasion and give it as a gift. Now, I don't know what to do with it. I have the ring connected to the necklace around my neck. I'm doing everything I can to keep her close. I love her. Now my heart is shattered.

Destroyed

Ps. this will be my last entry… I have no reason to write anymore.


End file.
